Journey

I am quite self deprecating.

I don’t really know why or when it started, but I am.

I’ve come some way though, in the past, if someone commented on something as trivial as, say, my earrings, I would have to reply, to explain it away. Usually with a comment like, “oh these? They were on sale and I’ve had them for ages”. This mumbled explanation was usually coupled with an awkward gaze to the ground. 

However, when I began to notice this, I took steps to change it. And with the help of a persistent friend, it’s been pretty successful. When I am paid a compliment, I have learnt that it’s okay to just smile and say thank you. It is okay.

I believed I had mastered this minor quirk/flaw in my character, mission accomplished. Until recently, when it came to the fore once again. And here’s how.

2012 has already been an exciting year for me. I suppose it’s really a continuation of last year, but recently, in a different way, I have been experiencing God as active and faithful in my life and through the communities I am a part of (my church, school, family). There have been so many opportunities to use my gifts, and I have been pushed and challenged out of my comfort zone, and it’s  been incredible. I can see changes beginning in me.

It’s amazing and I am so grateful for it.

But when anyone else mentions this to me, everything becomes really awkward, and I’m that weird teenager again.

So, it turns out I haven’t got it nailed yet.

But rather than just trying trying to change my behaviour, I have come to see is that being self-deprecating, at it’s root, is wrong.

It’s harmful, and it’s not God’s best for me.

It is neither humble, nor Godly.

This is because it disparages the work that God has done, and is doing in me.

It is damaging to my faith, as it actually hinders my capacity to believe God for what He has in store and wants to do next in my life.

In short, it dishonours and belittles God.

Not cool.

So, I’m over it. The bad things in my life are part of what He will fix, and the good things are evidence of what He has fixed and is currently fixing, for His glory.

And if you notice any of these good things, and are kind enough to tell me, my response will be,

Thank you, and thank God, who puts His treasure in earthen vessels.

What a privilege.

Love and identity. So recently I have been reading John 17. I was struck the confidence that Jesus had in his Fathers love. In passing moments of my own life, am I that confident in my Father’s love for me?

Because for Jesus, it was so so evident and tangible, that it had become His identity. He knew that he was (and still is) God’s beloved son.

Being truly loved and deeply cherished was a defining feature of who He was. And I thought to myself, how empowering and beautiful that would be, if we lived like that.

I mean, just listen to how He prays in verses 23-24:

I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me. Father, I want these whom you have given me to be with me where I am. Then they can see all the glory you gave me because you loved me even before the world began!

Or read it in The Message

I want to be like this. Just imagine if it really became a part of you.

“…Hi, yes, my name’s Tolu. Oh, me? No, I am only 23, I work in a school. What do you do? … Uh huh, erm, I like photography, kids…Um, yeah, oh really? Why am I smiling?.. Oh, nothing…well, okay, I am truly, madly and relentlessly loved by God…uh huh, yeah, well no, it’s been for a while now….”

When you know you are loved like that, it does something to you.

This then reminded me of Jesus’ command to abide in his love. This is particularly poignant for me at the moment. In my personal life, things have changed quite significantly. Plans and aspirations I had held dear have changed drastically and become uncertain, which has been hard to take.

But it was at this time that the Holy Spirit reminded me of this passage, to abide in his love. To rest in, and find security and my identity in the love He has for me.

So that I what I shall do.

So henceforth, I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.

We all have different expectations, priorities and ‘deal breakers’ in the relationships and friendships in our lives.

Recently I realised that quite high on my priority list, is that the people close to me, get me. That they understand the quirks and squiggles that make me who I am.

Maybe it’s a throw back from my adolescent teen angst, but being ‘gotten’, or understood, really matters to me. Not that everyone I meet needs to, but if you want any hope of sticking around, you must.

If someone doesn’t, then however much time we spend together, they are usually, although unintentionally, held at arm’s length.

Now, the reason this is important is not just to serve as a self indulgent rant, but because this began to remind me of something God said to Jeremiah:

“But those who wish to boast should boast in this alone: that they truly know me and understand that I am the LORD, who demonstrates unfailing love and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth…”

Jeremiah 9:24

God wants to be gotten too.

In fact, He delights when we make the effort to know Him, to really understand Him.

Now this really challenged me, because I know that in my own journey with God, I can’t say that ‘getting’ God has been a consistent priority.

But it matters, to me and much more importantly, it matters to Him.

Pondering on this, a few other points came to mind. As I thought about things in my own heart, I wondered how often I treat God in this way.

1. I hate it when people treat me as if we are good friends, or are over familiar with me, purely to give this impression to other people that we have a relationship, when they really don’t know me at all.

Do I treat God like this? Do I say things just to give the impression that I am spiritually sound or ‘deep’ when really, they are just words.

What is God thinking when I do?

2. It bothers me when people assume what I think on a topic or how I feel about a particular issue, without taking the time to ask.

Do I assume what the ‘Christian’ perspective may be on an issue, without bothering to seek what God’s heart is on the matter?

2a. Or if they do ask, they don’t take the time to listen to what I say.

Enough said.

3. I hate it when people assume that I can not or will not do something, because feel they know what I am capable of or will assent to.

Do I rule out possibilities of things happening in my life, my job, family, even when God is fully capable of doing it and more?

Do I pray, but not really believe God will answer?

4. I don’t like it when people talk about me to others as if they know me, if they in fact, do not.

Do I speak about God (to those who believe, and those who don’t) without any real substance of a relationship with Him? How does He feel when I do?

God desires to be gotten, and loves it when we do this by spending time with Him in prayer and through reading His Word; not to ask for anything, but simply because we want to discover more about who He is.

So make pursuing Him a priority. Everyone’s a winner.

God is pleased and delights when we do this. And to be honest, He deserves our attention and energy more than anyone one else.

For us, well, we can never out-give or out-love Him, and His word says that He is a rewarder of those that diligently seek him.

God really has so much to offer, aside from what He can give us; He offers us Himself, which surely is the Best there is.